I’m slowly beginning to see this situation more clearly. S was always a substitute to me, which was so horrible of me to do; I just wish I’d understood that at the time. I think he did know that and he tried anyway. I think I hated him for not telling me, although it clearly isn’t his fault. I think I was trying I prove to myself that C could love me by letting someone else love me first. It’s all really fucked up. I’m so glad I bitch online all the time or I’d never remembered what happened last month. I took something so good, this pure love I had for C, and turned it into something so wrong, namely the lie of a relationship with S, and I has myself so fooled for so long. I never loved S as more than a friend. And I am so amazed he hasn’t just cried himself to death because now I understand truly what I did to him. It hurts enough when someone you love so purely doesn’t love you the same, but actually living a contrived construct of that life for a while would make it so much more painful. I feel like a monster. I never had anything but good intentions, and though I know that isn’t enough, it still feels so wrong that I can cause someone so much pain without wanting to.

From my Google+:

nevermind; i figured it out. wow…that counted as a “rough patch”? geez.
I never should have used you as a substitute, and i’m sorry. honestly, you were lying to yourself even worse than i was because you actually knew. you knew it the whole time.

“I’m not the kind to try to tell you lies
But the truth is you’ve been hiding from it too
I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes”
we were never meant to be. you wanted me, i wanted him, and you tried to replace him; i shouldn’t have let you try. i was wrong. i’m sorry. i honestly didn’t mean for this to happen to you or to him or to me. let’s pick ourselves up and move on. i don’t want to lose either of you, even though i fucked up, and honestly i don’t think i deserve to have to leave either of you. i never meant to hurt anyone at all.