I mean, I miss you, but I certainly don’t want to tell you. I can’t have you. You’re miles away now—so many miles away. Plus, you’re not really looking, are you? I mean, you’ve got a boyfriend, but you’re also dating. I think that means you’re not ready. And there’s that other guy, too—the one I can’t seem to forget even after all these years. Although apparently he can forget me pretty easily. Whatever. If you ever did love me, I suppose now wouldn’t be the time you’d tell me, would it? Good riddance.
The Falling Thing
Elizabeth: It really shouldn't :/ I kind of understand and relate though. I was SO into Ruben when I felt like he was totally out of my league and when he told me he really liked me I was totally turned off. Also, Evan is incredible. Like AMAZING. He's gorgeous and sweet and sooo good at all of the important things. Knowing I'm leaving and that he has a kid and I can't have him makes me wish I could have him even more.
I'm hoping that it's just because of the part of my life I'm in. Since I'm young and not really ready to settle maybe it's like self-defense to only like guys I can't have?
That's what I tell myself haha
I really hope everything works out for you! You deserve so much happy!
Me: I'm going to do my best to love the people I have.
Elizabeth: I have fallen in love once and it took no conscious effort. I just loved him. I feel like everything now takes a lot of thinking. I don't know if I'm just less emotional now or if being a robot is really a thing... I just really enjoyed the falling thing. I want that again.
Me: I felt that way the first night I went out with tanner. It reminded me of how I fel with Jeff. It was almost exactly the same. Maybe stronger. But now it feels like thinking. I'm not sure what has changed. It might be a good thing. It may not.
Elizabeth: I hope, for your sake, it is.
Awareness is the greatest agent for change.
La Croissance Californienne (The First Of Many)
It’s incredible here. This place plus the people plus Eckhart Tolle plus the plays I’ve seen plus having no responsibility but existing has given me an incredible opportunity to really find my identity in presence and not in ego. I don’t recall ever being happier or feeling more a part of the world. Plus I already have like three dates :)
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I feel I very much am like Sherlock and, if I’m lucky, will someday have a best friend with pink pants to counter my vice.
The Human Sacrifice to the Gods of Masculinity
I never noticed before how much solitude I truly crave. I’m sleeping in my car, as I’ve done a million times, and I never really realized before but I think it’s because I want to be completely isolated.
That Courageous Love
I know. I’m less lonely than I think I’ve ever been before, but it’s still a bit of a reality check when I notice it at all. I’m just so ready for something real and I’m getting so close to finding it. It’s exhilarating and scary and perfect all at once.
I’m just worried that I could give too little or too much. I think I’ve passed the point where I react to other people’s affections with fear or anxiety, but I can’t assume someone else will be so understanding of my methods of expressing my intentions.
The other night I’m pretty sure he mouthed the words “I love you” to me, but when I asked what he said he just said it was something stupid he shouldn’t have said. Which was really cute. But I’m kind of sick of everyone being afraid to open up. I’m starting to be truly courageous and I guess I thought I was the late bloomer here.
My love’s too big for you, my love.
If I was stronger then I would tell you ‘no’ and if I was stronger than I would leave this show and if I was stronger than I would up and go but here I am and here we go again.
Hotel staircases. The middle seat in minivans. Big wooden briefcases. Patchy facial hair. The words “I love you”. Spatulas. Wearing my shirt around my neck. Dark, rainy nights. Driving on ice. Music…any music. All these things hold memories. All these things are links to the time I held you close. All these things are teeth in my side, nails in the framework of my mind. All these things are burning treasures.
If it turns out I’m the kind of guy who leaves while you’re sleeping—and I think it might—just know this: it’s not because I don’t like you. I just…overheat.
I love her. I love everything about her, and I’m not a guy who says that lightly; I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to, and there have been times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her…more than she knows.
Even forever isn’t enough time when it hasn’t yet begun.
I don’t just want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to be with you now.